Archive for April, 2009

The Septic Gods

I just spent my morning learning about Septic Systems. Crockett’s Septic showed up this morning at about 10:00am and while they were here, I was able to observe the process of tank pumping.

Two nights ago Dan and I had to dig up my tank. I couldn’t quite remember where it was located, so our initial test hole failed. We moved down closer to the leach field (sp??) and struck gold. We excavated the top of the tank, he used a shovel, I used a garden trowel and eventually uncovered the center access cover. When David got here this morning he removed the cover and inserted a long 4″ ish sucking hose into the tank. Oh, and the tank wasn’t overfull like we thought it would be, there was still room for poo. The top looked like, well… have you ever raised worms or seen a worm colony? When they poo towards the surface they leave theses smooth brown ball/squiggly trails? Well that’s what the top of my septic tank contents looked like. Evidently that’s normal.

On the side towards the house, where the poop pipe enters the tank, there was a nasty snarl. It looked like an extremely twisted version of a cotton candy stick. Replace, of course, the cotton candy with gelatinous ooze and the stick with a PVC pipe. My trouble wasn’t tampons amazingly enough. It was grease. I guess that poo decomposes rather rapidly, but cooking grease lingers around for years. What compounds the issue is that it hardens. My cooking grease had hardened off around the end of my stink pipe, completely blocking it. Once the goo was knocked loose, all sorts of spew just ejected into the tank.

While he was vacuuming my tank, he found lots of interesting things. A teacup for starters. I’ve never felt compelled to tea and pee, so I have no idea who a teacup ended up flushed down my toilet. Something tells me it might have been tenant related. But why???? So strange…

He also found a shit ton of industrial rags. You know the ones that are nearly cloth? Well, I’ve never used them myself, I don’t even use paper towels, so I have no idea how those got there either.

There was a big chunk of cement in there too, but I guess this could have broken off when they made the access holes. No biggie.

After the tank was empty (it took about 2 minutes) he pumped out my poo pond further up the lawn. Once that was empty he snaked my system. There was a big clog going from the broken pipe to the tank, and another narrowing between the broken pipe and the house. He’s advised me to run hot water all day. CMP is gunna love me!!!! (Electric water heater and all…)

The total cost was $240 and this included the pumping, double snaking, and garden removal. Oh yeah, I forgot to say that he had to get at the other cover and in order to do so had to dig up my entire garden. Bye bye lemon lilies 😦

I’m very excited about being able to do laundry and dishes now. As well as take a shower that doesn’t turn into a bath. The one thing that I will miss however is the boiling toilet. That was the best. There’s never any end to the comedy that hearing and watching your toilet literally come to a rolling boil inspires.

Now I’ve actually got to do some housework!


Murder in Maine

It’s not that often that you hear about murders in Maine, let alone one that occurs just down the road. On Sunday night, in the neighboring town of Waldoboro, Rachel Grindal was stabbed to death and her friend Tracy Neild was nearly killed in the same attack. There was a third person in the van, but oddly enough, her name hasn’t been released, though there’s a lot of talk around town about who she is. I’m not sure if I should name names, so I’ll refrain even though I would like to.

When you live in a small town, there’s this everybody knows everybody mentality and more often than not, it’s accurate. While I didn’t know either of these two women myself, I’ve been hearing various accounts of who does. In a small town, six-degrees of separation collapses down to about two.

Rachel Grindal is around my brother’s age, so I sent him a message on Facebook asking him if he knew her, of course he did. He mentioned a night many years back when she had come to a party we’d thrown while our parents were gone for the weekend. She was the friend of a girl who kind of went a bit nutty that night because of a fight with her mother.

The rumor around town is that the attack/killing was related to drugs in some way. Gossip states that the girls had just come back from Massachussetts where they’d made a ‘purchase’. When they arrived back at Tracy’s house, someone was waiting in her (Tracy’s) car for them. They pulled in, and they were attacked.

So here’s the hearsay. Mind you none of this is corroborated, just speculative.

The girl who supposedly ‘got away’ was actually in on it. Which explains why police haven’t released her name or given any details. I believe she’s probably in custody, not in hiding. It’s been said that her boyfriend and her are the two that did the dirty deed. She was in on it from the beginning, but she left a witness. Maybe she thought Tracy was dead, maybe she thought she wouldn’t make it. Either way it was a brutal end for Rachel and nearly equally as devastating for Tracy. Drugs or no drugs, neither of them deserved this. I guess when you have friends like that, who needs enemies?

On the flip side of the coin, if in fact the third person in the car was an actual victim, it’s a miracle she made it out unscathed and it was because of her quick thinking that Tracy’s life was spared. Let’s hope this is the case because the other possibility is just too grim.

I was watching the news the other night and got a laugh when the reporter brought up another murder that occured nearby several years back. He was actually trying to say in a round about way that it’s possible it happened in the same exact house. hahaha… That’s the news for you, as if one murder wasn’t enough. I can see the next headline – Death House on Controversy Lane – 2 murders in less than 5 years. Of course that isn’t true. Amy Dugas, who murdered her husband and was later acquitted for the crime, lived a ways away, on an entirely different road. You should Google the story, it’s interesting.

I think the person that will suffer the most from all of this is Rachel’s son. Yes, she had a young child. How horrific. Imagine the legacy he’s about to carry on.

I hope that the people responsible for this are arrested soon and that a little bit of justice can be served for Rachel and Tracy.

And…ps: Tracy, stay strong!

Why Not to Flush Tampons Down Your Toilet

You know how there’s like this unwritten rule about flushing tampons? Well, I’ve always ignored it. Menstruation is disgusting enough without having to handle the bloody little devils after you haul them out. I wish they had little baggies you could put them in and then throw them away, because wrapping them up into a cocoon of toilet paper just seems wrong. (As though they’re going to metamorphize into something delicate and beautiful… HA!) I rebel against convention and flush them.

Well last week I was out adventuring in my yard, checking out my gardens and making a mental list of things that needed to be tidied up soon when I came across a strange and mysterious formation about half-way down my driveway.

From a distance it looked like a big purple ring on the dead, yellowed grass and it immediately drew my attention. I walked over to investigate and found that my septic system had been ill. Evidently its belly had been full and instead of shitting the debris out into the leach field, it had puked up its content all around my access shaft. What make the barf pile purple God only knows. Last time I checked, poo is brown and pee is yellow. This doesn’t seem likely to combine into purple. And, slap me on the wrist, but I don’t do enough laundry regularly to justify detergent being the cause.

Anyways, scattered throughout the purple ring were these puffy white things. At first I thought it was some sort of foam or concentration of bubbles, but bending down and poking through the piles with a stick told me otherwise. At first I couldn’t believe my eyes. The tampons were all white, all dry. I wondered to myself if I had accidentally dropped a box into the snow bank over the winter. That would have been plausible had there been applicators around as well. Nope.

It appears as though my septic system has been storing up tampons and for whatever reason, decided that it was going to expel mass quantities of them all at once. They didn’t come through a pipe, instead they erupted directly from under the soil and landed in a 5 or 6′ square foot area around what appears to be a broken access pipe.

I really don’t care if you think this is gross, deal with it in the name of Science! Learn from my mistake. Don’t flush your bloody mice! It will come back to haunt you. I’m just glad I got them cleaned up before the birds came back. Can you imagine how horrible it would have been if all the tweeties had spied that shiny white cotton? Every nest in the area would have been super plus absorbent. Ew!

The Blog Gods

So Tidewater Telecom called yesterday just after I had edited my blog post about their retarded polices. I was afraid to answer the phone but did anyways (but with a thick Spanich accent). As far as they know I’m Consuela. What I thought was going to be a request to take down my blog post was actually an offer to receive an internet speed upgrade. I gladly accepted on behalf of my better half. I hope he doesn’t mind that I just cost him more money a month.

Just after that, I wrote about the Chipmunks in my backyard. Oddly enough when I went to the living room to find a nice juicy stale cigarette butt to smoke I heard an unholy commotion from above my head. It literally sounded like my ceiling was about to come down, either that or a vortex had opened up on my roof and was sucking shingles off like God’s vacuum cleaner. The dogs went ape shit and I realized that there was a Chipmunk, Squirrel and probably Rat convention going on up there.

Note to self: Buy some poison, it’s the only way now…

The only supernatural blog response I haven’t received yet is from my neighbors. I’m waiting for them to show up with a restraining order or something now. But a copy of their road repair estimate would be just as acceptable. Oh that’s right, I haven’t gone into detail about the latest neighborly dispute yet. Will do that later. I’m just finishing up a paper now and had to take a break. You know how when you look at the same words for too long they start making no sense? Well I’m at that point.

Coming soon:

Why NOT to Flush Tampons Down Your Toilet
Road Repair Despair

Chipmunks are Evil

Domesticating animals has actually had a detrimental effect on their physiology. Instead of perfecting features, centuries of selective breeding has actually caused, dum dum dum…..

Brain Damage!

And I have evidence that the Miniature Pinscher has suffered the most severe consquences of this malpractice. You know how some people adopt AID’s babies and Crack Babies and shit? Well I am a good Samaritan you know and I love animals. When I went doggy shopping I wanted to make sure that I gave a couple of disabled dogs a good home. While researching the most mentally deficient dogs on the planet, I stumbled upon this breed. I immediately fell in love with their sleek physique, long spindly legs, and prancing gate. First I got Duke, and a couple of years later my evil ex-boss Shirley purchased me Duchess as a Christmas gift.

I knew going in that it was going to be rough. Normally a dog this size would have a brain the size of a pea, however because this breed is particularly ‘damaged’, I’d imagine that with them it’s more like the size of a molecule. Excuse me while I wipe away a tear…. Anyways, here’s a collection of the ignorant things my dogs have done over the years, proving that inbreeding is BAD.

Holy Crap Batman!

One night I was awoken to the sounds of something screaming and screeching from the direction of my kitchen. I ran down the hallway and flipped on the light only to see my dog Duke hunched over and dragging his ass along the kitchen floor, leaving a trail of gooey, slimy balls behind him. I couldn’t imagine what in the hairy hell was going on so I grabbed him and waited for the next one to pop out. They were grapes. How did get grapes, I don’t eat them. There must been 50 of them all over the floor covered in poo. Ouch!

Evidently, my retarded ex-husband had left a container of Raisinettes on the coffee table, Duke had consumed them while we were sleeping and whilst inside his bowels, they had absorbed their weight in water, transforming back into their original size and shape.

Making Molehills

This really isn’t funny, it’s just plain sad. Duke eats everything and anything. One day I woke up to him puking all over my pillow. He wasn’t puking up food, just sand. Later on that day he pooped out long cylindrical bricks. Evidently he had decided that a belly full of dirt was just what he needed. Yuck!

Bounty the Quick Picker Upper

One day Duke was walking down the hall and his step looked off. He appeared to be limping or squatting or something strange. I also noticed that his asshole wasn’t the color it normally is. I chased the little bastard down only to find that he had something sticking out of his ass. As I’ve done countless times, I wrapped my fingers in toilet paper and extracted the foreign object. He had consumed an entire bounty paper towel sheet. It had twisted lengthwise in his bowel and came out whole. When the commerical says this shit is tough, they’re right!

Bunny Foo Foo

For those of you who have visited my Facebook page, you’ll have noticed that I have a gruesome picture of a bunny rabbit on it. This is…was.. Foo Foo. Foo Foo is obviously dead. I had a cat named Kitty and she liked to kill things. She also liked to use the doggy door. Hence, everything she killed she brought back into the house through the doggy door. Take a peek at the photo and I won’t have to write this story out.

So Why Are Chipmunks Evil?

Because they know that dogs are stupid. Chipmunks enjoy antagonizing animals of inferior intellects. They will sit just outside the dog yard, looking cute and minding their own business. At least that’s what they want you to think. What they’re really doing is seeing how much they can get the dogs to bark. Why? Because they know that at some point, the retarded canine’s will become so annoying that either they get yelled at, beat on the ass with a newspaper or fitted with a shock collar. It’s their evil plan.

And you know what? I’m taking a fiver here cause my retarded dogs are about to get their asses beat. Not really – I’m not violent, I thought we covered that in “Love Thy Neighbor”. I’m actually just going to yell at them, watch them run their fat asses into the bedroom and hide under the blankets. Trust me they’re not truly afraid of me because the second they hear the sound of my keyboard clicking, they’ll be sneaking back out the doggy-door. So they can bark at the Evil Chipmunks some more.