Nuts and Bolts

Nuts' nuts

Nuts’ nuts

It brings a tear to my eye when I think back to a phone conversation I had with my Dad the other night. He called me up, over-brimming with joy about this piglet he had a few weeks back. Daddy loves his animals, you could never accuse him otherwise. There is no end to the joy he gets from feeding them, talking to them, watching them play and grow. So, it was no surprise when he just couldn’t wait to tell me about “Nuts,” and his super-sized scrotum. Some Dads are proud when you graduate college, some when you produce a grandchild.  Mine, well he’s just content with an occasional genetic mutation or two.

Nuts was born in May and though he’s the same general size as the rest of the piglets in his litter, he has one feature that has far outgrown any of his litter-mates. He’s not fatter or skinnier. He wasn’t the runt.  He doesn’t have spots or strange markings.  Nor does he act any different than the rest.  What he does have is a set of nuts on him bigger than most full-grown men!

Hence the name, Nuts.

Daddy tried describing his massive testes to me over the phone and I guess that I just couldn’t picture it. I mean, how big could a baby pigs balls be, anyways? I figured that it was a slight exaggeration, and that at the most he might have a slightly larger than average sack. But, I was happy for him regardless. He was thrilled and couldn’t stop talking about all the semen this pig was going to produce. He figured that since his current stud, described as a potentially “gay” pig, was only throwing 6-12 piglets per litter, it must surely have to do with the volume of sperm he was injecting.  Bigger is better, after all, and I guess this goes for pig nuts too. I’m sure that he was patiently waiting the day Nuts approached puberty and he could set him loose on the twenty some-odd breeding sows he’s got roaming his back pastures.

Dan and I went down to visit Daddy the other day and Daddy had called twice to make sure we brought a camera down. We got to the barn and there were literally about forty piglets running loose, grunting, squealing, fighting for donuts and trying to find ways to get into the newly planted garden. They were cute as hell and I even got bit by one! We got to see the two new calves and feed the broody chickens who were sitting on a couple of clutches of eggs. We always enjoy our trips to the barn, and this day was no exception.

After he had the cows milking out, he emptied some bread and grain into a small plastic trough and the piglets came running like it was their last meal. In between all the screaming and squabbling this little piglet ended up back-to to me and half inside the trough. I just about fell over when I saw the size of his balls. Daddy wasn’t joking when he said that this was the biggest nutted piglet he’d ever seen. We took a bunch of pictures, because of course Daddy wanted to share his pride and joy with everyone with Facebook and a cell phone.

Last night Daddy called up and told us that he needed to cut some pigs, and that he needed help holding them down. I volunteered Dan, because that’s what I do, and this afternoon around 2:00pm we headed down to the barn. Never seeing it done, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but since I generally have no problem watching pain inflicted on things other than me, I figured I’d handle it just fine. I was wrong.

Let me describe what pig cutting entails. Skip over this next part if you’re squeamish.

My dad built this little cutting table. It’s trap-wire set into a V-shaped cradle about two feet high. You lay the squirming piglet on it’s back, inside the trough, and you slide a metal bar between the slats to pin down his back end. Once he’s immobile, being held down by a bar and two people, Daddy washes his nether-regions. After they’re cleaned up in good shape, he takes a razor blade and slits open the skin of its scrotum. At first there’s no blood, you can just see some pink layers of tissue. Once he’s opened it up enough, he presses the outside of the scrotum and pops the testicles out through the hole he’s made, kind of like a pimple. After they’re visible he pulls them out and slices off the cord that’s attaching them to the piglet. Then he sprays the wound with Blu-kote and calls it good.  It isn’t until about half-way through the procedure that they begin to bleed, and even then it’s just a few drops.  What makes the whole thing unbearable is the screaming.  They scream when you pick them up, scream when you pin them down, and this screaming doubles in volume and intensity when the cuts are being made.  The only saving grace is that when they’re let down on the ground, they walk off like nothings happened.  I think that it looks and sounds more traumatic than it truly is.  I’m trying to imagine a similar procedure on a human body and all I can really picture is slitting open a blister or maybe an episiotomy.  But, I believe that the episiotomy actually cuts through more tissue than this.  The skin of the scrotum is quite thin, so it’s really just a flesh wound about 1.4″ long.

Regardless of any rationalizations, it’s horrible to witness. I was fine for the first piglet, but when he got to the second one, I started getting sick feeling. Like I was going to vomit or hyperventilate or pass out or something. I’m not sure if it was the noise or the blood or what, but it did me in. I had to go to the other side of the barn and keep myself occupied while they did the last five or six.

Anyways, while they were cutting pigs a bunch of people showed up. One guy had brought his daughters down to feed the animals and see the new baby chicks.  Another was just hanging out for a while. Daddy made sure he showed Nuts off to all, and brought attention to his amazing testes.

We left shortly after the cutting and went grocery shopping. No sooner had we gotten to the fruits and vegetables section my cell-phone rang. It was Daddy.  He told me that just a while after we headed out, Larry Sidelinger had watched Nuts wander off by the barn and squat to piss. He asked Daddy how come that big nutted pig was squatting. Daddy figured it must not have been the same pig, afterall, there are forty of the little buggers running around loose.  Just then the pig turned back to and displayed his giant cajones.  Everyone became confused by this point so Daddy got ahold of Nuts and examined those big ass balls of his.  After the inspection, Daddy realized that Nuts might be blessed in some areas, but lacking in others.  He has sack the size of a cantaloupe, but doesn’t appear to have a “pecker.”

No pecker? What?

Nuts isn’t exactly a he, isn’t exactly a she.  It’s got a scrotum, two giant testicles, a vulva and a vaginal/urinary opening.   Wonder if she’s got ovaries tucked up inside too!  Daddy thinks it’d be interesting to see if she’ll breed.  Guess we’ll find out, huh?


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