Chipmunks are Evil

Domesticating animals has actually had a detrimental effect on their physiology. Instead of perfecting features, centuries of selective breeding has actually caused, dum dum dum…..

Brain Damage!

And I have evidence that the Miniature Pinscher has suffered the most severe consquences of this malpractice. You know how some people adopt AID’s babies and Crack Babies and shit? Well I am a good Samaritan you know and I love animals. When I went doggy shopping I wanted to make sure that I gave a couple of disabled dogs a good home. While researching the most mentally deficient dogs on the planet, I stumbled upon this breed. I immediately fell in love with their sleek physique, long spindly legs, and prancing gate. First I got Duke, and a couple of years later my evil ex-boss Shirley purchased me Duchess as a Christmas gift.

I knew going in that it was going to be rough. Normally a dog this size would have a brain the size of a pea, however because this breed is particularly ‘damaged’, I’d imagine that with them it’s more like the size of a molecule. Excuse me while I wipe away a tear…. Anyways, here’s a collection of the ignorant things my dogs have done over the years, proving that inbreeding is BAD.

Holy Crap Batman!

One night I was awoken to the sounds of something screaming and screeching from the direction of my kitchen. I ran down the hallway and flipped on the light only to see my dog Duke hunched over and dragging his ass along the kitchen floor, leaving a trail of gooey, slimy balls behind him. I couldn’t imagine what in the hairy hell was going on so I grabbed him and waited for the next one to pop out. They were grapes. How did get grapes, I don’t eat them. There must been 50 of them all over the floor covered in poo. Ouch!

Evidently, my retarded ex-husband had left a container of Raisinettes on the coffee table, Duke had consumed them while we were sleeping and whilst inside his bowels, they had absorbed their weight in water, transforming back into their original size and shape.

Making Molehills

This really isn’t funny, it’s just plain sad. Duke eats everything and anything. One day I woke up to him puking all over my pillow. He wasn’t puking up food, just sand. Later on that day he pooped out long cylindrical bricks. Evidently he had decided that a belly full of dirt was just what he needed. Yuck!

Bounty the Quick Picker Upper

One day Duke was walking down the hall and his step looked off. He appeared to be limping or squatting or something strange. I also noticed that his asshole wasn’t the color it normally is. I chased the little bastard down only to find that he had something sticking out of his ass. As I’ve done countless times, I wrapped my fingers in toilet paper and extracted the foreign object. He had consumed an entire bounty paper towel sheet. It had twisted lengthwise in his bowel and came out whole. When the commerical says this shit is tough, they’re right!

Bunny Foo Foo

For those of you who have visited my Facebook page, you’ll have noticed that I have a gruesome picture of a bunny rabbit on it. This is…was.. Foo Foo. Foo Foo is obviously dead. I had a cat named Kitty and she liked to kill things. She also liked to use the doggy door. Hence, everything she killed she brought back into the house through the doggy door. Take a peek at the photo and I won’t have to write this story out.

So Why Are Chipmunks Evil?

Because they know that dogs are stupid. Chipmunks enjoy antagonizing animals of inferior intellects. They will sit just outside the dog yard, looking cute and minding their own business. At least that’s what they want you to think. What they’re really doing is seeing how much they can get the dogs to bark. Why? Because they know that at some point, the retarded canine’s will become so annoying that either they get yelled at, beat on the ass with a newspaper or fitted with a shock collar. It’s their evil plan.

And you know what? I’m taking a fiver here cause my retarded dogs are about to get their asses beat. Not really – I’m not violent, I thought we covered that in “Love Thy Neighbor”. I’m actually just going to yell at them, watch them run their fat asses into the bedroom and hide under the blankets. Trust me they’re not truly afraid of me because the second they hear the sound of my keyboard clicking, they’ll be sneaking back out the doggy-door. So they can bark at the Evil Chipmunks some more.