Posts Tagged ‘ quitting smoking ’

My Anticolon

As I lay here in my bed, gently rocking side to side in an attempt to spur my colon into even the tiniest bit of movement, I think back to the last time  I quit smoking (unsuccessfully) in April.  The difference between now and then is that then I only went 16 days without pooping.   This time, with the exception of a concrete bunny turd and about 1 cup of chocolate pudding, I haven’t really shit since August 27th.  Ya, that’s right… Nearly a month now.

The beginning stage of constipation is uncomfortable, but I can deal with it.  I get a little gassy, a tiny bit bloated and sometimes some cramping along my ribcage.  I can honestly say that this week uncomfortable has turned into I’m about ready to schedule a high colonic and say fuck my white coat phobia.  I have been searching my house for things that  I could stick up my butt that would allow water or beer or whatever to flow up there and get things moving. If Dan and Santos weren’t here, I honestly would have dug out the turkey baster and used it as a funnel!  What I should be doing  is heading to the  24 hour Walmart  and buying a few enema’s but I’m too embarrassed to.

Let’s put it this way.  The poo is so backed up that when I eat, it literally takes about 6 hours for it to  have space in my lower intestine.   And they (my lower intestine) feel so expanded by accumulated food that they are pressing up against my large intestine.  My transverse colon feels like it’s no longer located in my stomach cavity, but inside of my chest.

I am sure that I have an impaction.  And no, this didn’t happen out of the blue.  This all started with Augmentin, stress, and most importantly, quitting smoking (again).  I just don’t learn do I?  I’ll be the first person to ever die from quitting smoking – from a ruptured bowel.  Right now I want to just say fuck it and dedicate myself to smoking for the rest of my life because lung cancer in the distant future sounds more appealing than looking like I’m  five months pregnant and puking up week old undigested food.

Funny thing is that  I’ve heard of constipation arising from  quitting  smoking, but never  as bad as both times I’ve  tried.  It’s as though ALL peristaltic motion stops and never starts again.  The only thing pushing out the poo is the new food I put into the  system.  Disgusting I know but I’m at my wits end.

I went to the Dr.’s last week for an unrelated problem and she prescribed me this $30 batch of Miralax.  Said it would take 2-4 days to get my gut moving.  I took it for  seven days straight and all I managed was a few ripe farts.  Switched over to Senna 3 days ago.  Lot’s of movement but it feels like it’s  just crawling and solid as hell.  Right now I feel like my esophagus has crawled up into my neck and my heart and lungs are being compressed by a stomach full of backed up poop.  I’m more short of breath now because of the backup than I was smoking a pack a day.  There is simply no room in my cavities  anymore!

Back in April nothing alleviated this problem.   I suffered until I had gone three days without eating because I just didn’t have any more room.  I sat down, had a cigarette and within an hour was shitting.  I shit so much the first week that my poor bunghole was on fire.   But at least  I didn’t feel like I was about to pop.  Please don’t let me pop!

I have been searching the web for home remedies all day.  Just don’t want to move around or leave the house because I’m  so sluggish.  I couldn’t eat supper tonight because I’m so full so I choked down some liqui-food.   Basically yogurt infused with some sort of biological agent (Bifidus Regularis my ass!) and water.  At least the water goes down.  But right now I’m having the most painful attack of GERD (self diagnosed btw).   I decided it had to be GERD recently because of the lump I feel in my throat, the hoarseness and the chest pains.   I think my tummy sphincter isn’t closing or something or else the backed up food is holding it open. I’m so miserable and  it would be really cool to hear that I’m not the only freak of nature that is doomed to never shit again after quitting smoking.

Thank god I have  another  Dr.’s appointment on  Friday (if I last that  long).  If I haven’t gotten relief by then (tomorrow is prune juice and metamucil day) I’m going to beg her to admit me to the hospital and be surgically cleansed.  Seriously.  I know it takes  A LOT to get  me to expose my nether regions to a Dr. but this would be well worth it.  Hell, I’ve even resorted to digital manipulation today.  Ask me why…. Because I knew a guy that was paralyzed once  and his wife had  to shove her fingers up his ass to make him poo.   I figured it was  worth  a  try.  Didn’t work, just  teased me is all.  Nothing like that special I gotta poo feeling.  I  have a tear in my eye right now just thinking about what I wouldn’t give for a good case of the runs…