Posts Tagged ‘ teaching your man to clean ’

Attn: Cavemen, Housework = Sex

The Caveman’s Guide to Getting Laid

Let’s face it, housework simply does not require any significant prerequisite skills. If you can grasp objects and move your hand around in circular motions, you pretty much have what it takes to be effective. The problem is translating what you already know into cleaning habits that will not only keep your wife happy, but help prevent the spread of disease.

Most houses have a similar set-up. There is a kitchen, a living room, bedroom/s and bathroom/s.

For super-cavemen only: kitchen=place we store food, cook and eat; living room=where we watch tv and entertain guests; bedroom=where you jerk off while we sleep; bathroom=where people go if they want to be clean or to vacate their bowels.

For the sake of simplicity, we’ll proceed under the assumption that these are the only room archetypes you have in your house. Each room will involve a slightly different cleaning technique and I will go through them one-by-one. If I’m successful in teaching you basic housekeeping skills, you might just get laid tonight (but don’t count on it).

The three most important rooms to keep picked-up are the kitchen, bathroom and living rooms. Bedrooms can take a second seat as the doors can be closed and no one has to see what lies beyond. Because food preparation is something that happens everyday, it’s good to keep the kitchen on the absolute top of the list. A clean kitchen means easier cooking, less diarrhea and a place to eat in peace.

Before you Begin

You don’t need fancy rubber gloves, technologically advanced sponges or special chemical solutions to clean, at least in the manner that I’m about to teach you.  Grab whatever is handy.  If you need something to wipe or scrub with any sponge, rag, paper towel, even sock (clean) will do.  Cleaning agents YOU will be using come in two forms: multi-purpose and glass.  If you’ve mastered basic cleaning, you can try this same tutorial using the following more advanced tools:

  • Swiffer Duster
  • Swiffer Mop

Now that you have your weapons, let see what you’ll be attacking.  Treat it like it’s a war, a video game, a video game about war, whatever it is that you need to visualize to get you through this experience.

Cleaning the Kitchen

Men often clean in a manner that suggests that there is a bomb ready to detonate at any moment. They hurry through the process, skipping the most important parts and dive for their fox holes the moment a singular clear spot is visible on the counter. This is not how it’s done boys!

Dishwashers

Dishwashers were designed to take many dishes and clean them all at once.  Amazing, I know!  Try to avoid loading this appliance with only a handful of items.  You will not gain any appreciation for all your ‘hard work’ along with the fact that you will drive up the electricity bill in vain.

Empty and Pre-rinse

Before you put one goddamn thing in the dishwasher, remove any clean dishes and put them away.  Nothing drives me more insane than watching some walking penis put dirty dishes on the top shelf of a dishwasher while clean dishes are still below.  Yes, I saw it happen last week in fact!  GRAVITY MAKES GROSS THINGS FALL.  Usually dishes go in cupboards – if you can’t find the proper cupboards, ask your wife to label them for you or give you a quick run-down on where to place cups, plates and silverware.  After all clean items are out of the way, begin to pre-rinse the dishes you’re about to put in the machine.  This isn’t difficult, get out a spatula or butter knife and scrape off large food particles while you run the item under water.

Load Sufficiently

Put large items on the bottom and stack those dishes in tight.  Don’t overlap as the item on top will often not get cleaned.  And finally, since in  most machines  the water jets from below, don’t place any concave item with the curve facing down.  Yes I’ve seen this too.  Ask Santos about how clean the dishes got the day he put them all in upside down.  When you’re done you should see that the dishwasher appears full yet nothing is stacked two-deep.  Good Job!

Making it Work

Now for the most strenuous part of the five minutes you’ve been cleaning.  Squirt some detergent in the specifically designed slot and close the door on your dishwasher.  If you’re like most cavemen I know, a mere apprentice housekeeper, you’ve probably done something incorrectly.  To ensure that as many dishes are washed as possible, use the heavy duty cycle – it might be called that or ‘pot scrubber’ or something similar.  Just look for words that imply that your dishes are truly disgusting and need extra attention.  Good Job!

Hey, guess what?  It took you probably no more than 10 minutes to rinse and load the dishwasher.  That’s ten minutes that your wife won’t have to spend doing it after she comes home from a long day at work.  I can’t be certain but I believe that I’ve read somewhere that the time men put into housework is directly proportional to the amount and length of sex they’re offered.  Think about that long and hard.  You can’t turn your wife into a dirty little whore just by letting the house go to hell; it doesn’t work like that.  Different kinds of dirty, retard!

Don’t Stop!

Most cavemen will stop there.  I know, you’re probably exhausted and I feel for you.  Ha! But keep focused because there’s a few more things you need to do before you sit down for your first breaky poo.  Don’t neglect the sink.  Grab a sponge, squirt some detergent on it and give a quick scrubbing.  Rinse it down and you’ll notice that the room is already starting to sparkle!

The Surfaces

Keeping the momentum, you will now launch an assault on the surfaces (counter, table, stovetop, breakfast bar, etc – if it’s flat and horizontal, it’s a surface).  Throw away any wrappers, lids, scraps or garbage you find.  This doesn’t include rings, important papers, or pets.  Use your brain caveman.  Oh, sorry… I forgot to say to put the refuse in a garbage bag.  Don’t try to stuff it down the drain, feed it to the dog, or toss it in a pile on your porch or lawn.  Garbage bag are gooooood.

  • Counters
  • Stovetops
  • Tables

Under the counter or in the section where you’d normally find cleaning implements hunt around for an all purpose spray cleaner.  Some words to look out for will be Lysol, Pine Sol, Fantastic, and of course… Clean.   Make sure it’s okay to be used on counters.  When I say this I mean, don’t just randomly grab for the first item that sprays, you could accidentally use Raid or Pledge and neither of those would help you complete your objective.  Be smart about this if it’s at all possible.

After the counter is clear of large debris, spray it down with the cleaner and using a rag, sponge or paper towel, wipe it off.  Make sure you get BEHIND the sink faucet and under counter top appliances as well.  These are two areas that most men neglect and this drives women nuts!

At this point you should also give the stove surface a quick rub and scrub.  Don’t start panicking, we’re not looking for perfection, just EFFORT.

Floor

The last thing you’ll really need to clean is the floor.  If it’s like most kitchens and is a hard surface (not rug) you will need to sweep it first.  If you haven’t done this activity before, get a broom.  You know, the vehicle that you like to envision your wife riding around on during the full moon.

Spot Clean

Notice I said spot clean?  Well I didn’t want to wear you out or anything so I thought I’d be easy on you.  After all this is just a 100 level class.  Most men couldn’t do a 200-400 if they tried, well at least straight men…  Spot cleaning is where you grab a sponge and spray cleaner, targeting any areas that you see scum.  Spray the spot, wipe it, move onto the next spot. Wax on, Wax off, Grasshoppa’.

Just to give you an example of how long I believe this would truly take, I did the same this weekend in my own house.  From start to finish, and this even included a couple of loads of laundry in between, I spent a total of 1/2 hour quick cleaning my kitchen.  This half hour could potentially lead to double that amount of time in grateful, energetic coitus.  And besides, what’s a half hour if you’re home all the time anyways.

Side note: Studies show that the ability to see dirt is related to how intelligent and in touch with his feminine a man is.  Researchers have placed cavemen in the same room as homosexuals and surprisingly enough, the gay men were able to see approximately 300% more dirt.  Participants were asked to determine which items needed cleaning – the cavemen were reluctant to choose any at all, while the gay men, on average, selected at least three items desperately needing a douching!  While this doesn’t necessarily prove this  that sexual preference is a determining factor in cleanliness, it does go to show why straight men are usually disgusting pigs and gay men attract women like butterflies to honey!

Living Room

Most houses are set up so that the first room viewed by any guest is the living room.  If not the first, then the second anyways.  Because of this, you need to keep this room picked up at all times.  No woman wants to get caught unawares and have her surprise guests think she’s living in a pig sty when what it boils down to is that she’s the only one working in the household and all the men living with her are incapable of pitching in during their seven days off each week.

Living rooms are easy to clean.  Make sure the couches are cleared off, blankets on them are folded.  Use a swiffer duster to get cobwebs out of the corners and dust off the visible furniture surfaces.  Usually the focal point of this room is a coffee table, therefore it should remain cleared off.  If clutter is the issue, get some fabric covered boxes.  They are decorative and you can toss a lot of junk in them when you need the appearance of clean.

After you’ve de-cluttered and tidied up, vacuum.  If you have hard floors, spot mop (just like in the kitchen).  Voila, you’re done and I bet it didn’t even take you 15 minutes this time!  If this is the first room your wife sees when she comes home from work, multiply the amount of time it took you by 3 and that should be the extra time she’s going to want to bang on you for doing this really awesome thing for her. If it’s the second, multiply by 2 but don’t forget to add in the extra whoopie time for the spectacular job you did in the kitchen.

Things to avoid…

  • Stuffing crap under, behind or between the cushions of the couch.  Big no no.
  • Piling.  Clutter arranged neatly into a giant pile or stack or statue is still clutter.  Find the room it goes in or stick it in a box.

subliminal message…dirty socks are equal to dirty diapers… don’t leave them lying around… it is gross… they are not decorative… put them in a fucking laundry basket or risk losing your testicles…

The Bathroom

Oh, double dread, I can smell your fear!  In all honesty, you should be happy about this room because cleaning it really doesn’t take that long and if it’s summer-time and you have no air conditioning, it’s usually cooler in here.

Let’s go over the major components of a bathroom, or at least the ones that you want to clean.

  • Counter/Sink
  • Toilet
  • Floor
  • Tub
  • Mirror

I’ll add one more item to this list, one that I would normally tell you to ignore, but in the case of the white bathroom, trim boards (mop boards to some) look grungier here  than in any other room for some reason, make sure you wipe them off.

Tub

The best cleaning agent ever invented for tub cleaning is Pine Sol.  I’ve bought more expensive, more fancy, special sponges and never had as good of a result as I have with this chemical.  It will devour soup scum and get almost any other stain out.  Buy some.

If you have a shower curtain, pull it closed.  Closed on the inside of the tub unless you have one of those retarded iside outside deals.  If  you can see any part of the tub exposed, wipe it off.  Usually this will just be the corners.  Wipe the front of the tub too for shits and giggles.

Things to remember about tubs:  clean up your snot-rockets.  I’ve lived with a few men in my life and every single one of them admitted to blowing nose chunks into the tub during shower-time.  This is nasty and inexcusable.  Inspect this fucker before you leave the room and remove any boogies you’ve left behind.

We don’t drop chunks of clot and uterus in the tub and leave it there for you to step on, so don’t make us stand in your mucus!

Mirror

Using a GLASS cleaner, make the mirror shiny and clean.  While you might not care about your appearance or only visit this room to shit and then once every two weeks to shower, your wife has to work and as a result will probably want to look at herself while doing her hair and makeup in the morning.

Counter/Sink

Using an all purpose cleaner, wipe up the counter and sink.  DON’T FORGET TO CLEAN BEHIND THE FAUCET.  That was God saying that, not me.  If it’s in caps, you know it’s him laying down the law.

Toilet

Toilet’s are tricksy.  Unless everyone in your household is completely bald or has white hair, you’ll notice that no matter what you do, there are always pubes clinging to the toilet.  That’s because…well, I  really don’t want to get into it, but suffice it to say pube plus damp equals cling.  (Same reason your chest hairs will always be found stuck to your wife’s chin, neck and boobs after sweaty sex)  This concept does NOT however involve how Spider Man is able to cling to buildings…

Use paper towels for toilet cleaning.  Clean the ENTIRE toilet, not just the surface you can see when the lid is down.  Lift the lid up and wipe down any piss you’ve left because  of your poor aim (or small dick, same difference).  Wipe the sides of the toilet and particularly the area around the two little bolts that attach it to the floor.

If you’re too squeamish to use the toilet scrubber to clean the interior, at least dump some cleaner inside to make pretty bubbles that will hide the scum.

Floor

Because bathrooms are usually filled with hair, the floor here might need more than a spot cleaning.  I’d suggest a quick vacuum (with the hose) and then touch-ups.  Not quite as quick but twice as effective!

Now that the bathroom is done you will find that you a) have about 6-7 more hours before your wife comes home from work or b) are excited about doing some additional activities.

Though I hardly doubt the latter, I will give you a few hints on other projects you could be doing (all in the name of sex mind you).

  • Laundry
  • Yardwork

Laundry

Cavemen treat laundry like it’s a big mystery.  As though the clothing is entering some multi-liminal dimension, being whirled around in the amniotic fluid of some alien goddess and then spat back out, limp, damp and miraculously clean.  For whatever reason, maybe a short circuit, a genetic malformation… men are incapable of performing the simple task of moving clean clothing from the washing machine to the dryer.  Usually this is because there are already clothes in the dryer and if the washing machine was the first big mystery of cavekind, then the dryer is the second.

Clothing is not dried with gamma radiation.  Touching the freshly dried items will not cause you to assanguinate, arrest, or lose your penis.  It’s perfectly okay to reach into the device, remove the clothing and place it either on top of the dryer or into a laundry basket.  Most women are more concerned about the volume of laundry as opposed to the perfection of the end product, so I’d suggest that if you don’t feel as though you’re capable of folding it (and I’m sure that you’re not…) to just get laundry DONE and get the clean stuff in a laundry basket.

ps:  Here’s where the bedroom comes in handy.  To give the illusion of a super clean laundry area, take the clean laundry in baskets and place them on the bed.  Since they’ll need to be folded and put away eventually, you’re just getting them closer to their ultimate goal.

A couple of pointers for the small-minded…

Never put dish detergent in your washing machine.  It wasn’t designed to be used for clothing and will flood your house in bubbles.  Bubbles might make children laugh, but not wives.  Same goes for dishwashers; use Dishwasher Detergent not the liquid Dawn type stuff.  If you do, same thing will happen.  Bubble-grenades… Not good!

Beware!

Don’t mix bleach and ammonia. Unless you’re committing suicide that is.  The two chemicals combined will create mustard gas.  This is deadly and several times a year, dumb cavemen like you do just this and die horrific deaths as a result.  Don’t let housework kill you!

Yarkwork

This is typically the  mans domain, but from what I can see, they are NOT the master of it.  Just a few observations to help you be more effective.

  • When weed whacking, it’s usually preferable to whack all the weeds in a specific area. I.e., if you’re whacking a line of weeds along the edge of something, don’t do every other foot because it makes it look like you didn’t whack it to begin with.
  • When mowing, try not to a) mow in a decreasing spiral and b) skip around like your lawn mower is leap frog and your mowing from pad to pad.  Mow like you mean it, finish the area you started first before going elsewhere
  • Run over any and all snakes that you see! Very important
  • You will usually notice that a garbage can is provided for your ‘using’ pleasure.  If you see a bit of garbage on the ground, pick it up and throw it away.  Don’t always leave shit like this for your wife to do, it’s annoying as hell and doesn’t score you any brownie points!

One Last Gripe

Gooooood Job!  Fantastic!  I’m proud of you.  Even if you totally fucked it up, I’m still happy that you made the effort.  Every time you practice cleaning it gets easier and easier.  Soon you’ll develop what’s called a “routine” and once you’ve established a good rhythm, you could cut down your cleaning time by minutes and minutes and even seconds!!!  But seriously, all of these things should have taken you no longer than an hour.  No, I don’t jest.  If this took you more than an hour, here’s the problem.

YOUR LAZY FUCKING ASS HAS BEEN SITTING AROUND THE HOUSE TOO MUCH AND THE HOUSEWORK HAS BEEN BREEDING!

Don’t get mad at me, take your complaints to God.

Your job as a caveman who has been blessed with some (probably very lonely and desperate) woman that for whatever reason wants you in her life is not to make sure that the furniture doesn’t float off into outer space. It’s not to sample all the food in the fridge.  It’s not to keep the computers heated up.

Housework is like rabbits.  If two of them get together, they fuck like crazy and you end up with a whole housefull of shit to clean up.  You need to keep them apart.  If you have a teenager daughter, treat the housework like you do her.

If your house cannot be speed-cleaned in about an hour you have allowed it to accumulate too damn much.  And yes, I hold you personally responsible because it is you after all that enjoys the bulk of the time in the house.

What Should You Being Doing Now?

Well, for starters, you need to become at least somewhat desirable.  This is where you will employ personal hygiene skills.  If you have none, please see the following list to help you through the transition:

  • Brush your moss-covered teeth
  • Take a shower
  • While you’re in it wash your filthy, greasy hair
  • Shave that god-awful scruff.  Yes when you first started dating she said it was sexy, but that was back when your stubbly chin actually came in contact with anything below her waist.  Now that you no longer venture to Australia, it’s not so hot.
  • Put on deodorant.  Many cavemen think that just because they shower that they will stay fresh and clean smelling.  You are seriously mistaken.
  • Put on clean clothes.  If you have none, refer to the section entitled Laundry.

There, now you’re at least half-way normal looking.  With a little luck, all the cleaning you’ve done (both to the house ad yourself) will get you some pussay tonight!  Oh, one last little reminders (sexually speaking).

Your body is not a fishing pole and your dick is not a lure.  Please don’t use it as one.  Just as fish laugh at fisherman who dangle pink rubber bouncy things in front of them, women laugh at men who use their dicks in this same manner.

Copyright 2009 Stacy Lash

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